How Did I Get Here?

I just got out of a six month relationship with someone I met online. The chorus of this song (which, lucky for you, starts the song) kept playing in my head when I thought about my relationship being over. Here you go:

And NO I’m not saying I was the psycho. My ex-boyfriend was/is/idon’tknowihaven’ttalkedtohim.

Before I really started reading the Bible and trying to follow Jesus’ word, I basically would consider anyone I was dating “marriage material”. I’m lucky enough to say that out of the many boyfriends I’ve had, they are all decent guys. All decent, except this last one. I mean, he isn’t evil I don’t think, but well, let’s just say he was not psychologically sound. I basically fell in love with a person that fit the psychological criteria for being a sociopath. Let me enlighten you:


Red Flags
1. Having an oversized ego — He basically thought he was God’s gift to women and that any woman that shunned him was not worth his time. Hey guess what, I don’t want to be worth your time. Along with that, I saw him get kicked out of two places he was renting from because of his crazy behavior and he would always blame his roommates. No dude, you’re crazy and they sensed it before I did and I don’t blame them for not wanting to live with you. Scary.
2. Lying and exhibiting manipulative behavior — To this day, I don’t even know WHAT was real and what wasn’t, I caught him in lie after lie and the final straw was when he asked me to lie to his own mother. The lies started around the 1st month and half-truths that I dismissed because I figured he was afraid of coming clean about his shady past. But at this point, who knows what he ever said about anything.
 3. Exhibiting a lack of empathy — I remember several times telling him about sad stories I read online or about a friend that was in need that I was concerned about, and his response was always a dismissive “Eh, they’ll get over it. Eh, they deserve it. Eh, they’ll figure it out.”
4. Showing a lack of remorse or shame — I caught him trying to sleep with his teacher when he left his email logged into my computer. He tried to explain it away. Uh yeah, that was one of the many times we broke up during six months.
5. Staying eerily calm during scary/dangerous situations — This may be one that doesn’t apply since he had such a terrible temper (aren’t we supposed to seek people that are slow to anger? Doh!) At one point, I had to call the police on him because I was scared, and he strolled down the street waiting for them like nothing. That was pretty weird.
6. Having few friends — He did constantly talk about being alone (he’s an only child) and when I would break up with him he would insist on getting back together and I think this was because he was so lonely. Most of his friends were old drug acquaintances or casual hook-ups he had (or still had while we were dating possibly, blegh.)
7. Behaving irresponsibly or with extreme impulsivity — This is something that I noticed right away and addressed to him within the first month of dating. He showed very little concern for the consequences of any of his actions and reacted to things very impulsively without regard to the reaction that would ensue to himself, to me, or to people around him.
8. Being charming, but only superficially — I can distinctly recall us ordering Chinese food in my town of Riverside (he’s from San Diego County) where they had a student discount for UCR students. He goes to school in SD and asked the girl for the discount. She expressed that they only offer the discount to UCR students. He went on to smooth talk the girl, turning to me occasionally for sympathy, until the girl smiled and finally caved and gave him the discount. He gave me a manipulative smile that did not sit with me well.
9. Living by the “pleasure principle” — Well, you can imagine.
10. Showing disregard for societal norms — This went hand in hand with his impulsive behavior. I sat him down and told him, dude you need to be more aware of what you are doing and how it is affecting the people around you in ANY situation. He seemed to take that seriously and made some strides to adjust but, pathologically lying is not normal for any society I don’t know….
11. Having “intense” eyes — Most people can look you in the eyes, then look away, then look back during a conversation. His eye contact was constant. He would even remark to me that I never look him in the eyes when I definitely did, I just didn’t glare into them the way he glared into mine.


The point is, is that he actually re-introduced me into the Church, the Rock Church in San Diego actually. THAT is the kicker! He was staying with his parents over the weekend and was going to go to church with his mother. He said I should check it out online for the 10 am service, and I did. And I loved it. And I’ve been watching ever since.


Then, for whatever reason, I broke up with him that day. And he texted me that he had prayed to God for an answer to our relationship.

Forget the silly plan of marriage and raising a family we had, why did I have so little respect for myself and my body that I allowed myself to do that? I think God talked to me that day and told me it had to end. In my heart, in my Soul, I felt it.

Now I realize that whenever he tried to contact me, it took me away from God. I stopped studying the Word, I stopped listening to messages, I stopped trying to be forgiving of coworkers and friends and family, the devil took my attention away from God and put it in the lap of a lustful and unhealthy relationship.

The last I heard from him was on Christmas Eve, telling me he’s gotten over me by using other girls. I pray for him everyday. And for the girls he currently victimizes.

Hopefully, this list of sociopathic traits will be enlightening to some. I don’t think its just if he has one or two of these traits that he’s a sociopath. My ex had them ALL.

Miles McPherson said that the next time you date, you should run a background check on the person and ask for their ex boyfriend/girlfriend’s number. If they are who they say they are and they have nothing to hide, they should have no issue with this. I think I’ll keep this in mind if I EVER date again, ha!

For everything I said about him, he was still a nice person. I still think he might be a good person. But he, like myself, has stuff he needs to work on and that’s all between him and God. I still have love for the ex because after all, he did change my life. And God makes no mistakes.

Have you ever encountered somebody you THOUGHT was all bad but realize God actually BLESSED you by putting them in your life?