Zach knows everything about me. And everything that is going on. And he knows how much I relied on him and how we are unable physically and conversationally to do so now. So he asked me how I have been holding up. So I told him about how I have felt pretty lonely and especially now being in a new town with really only one friend (shout out to Melissa!) and how strange it is for me. (With the exception of my family is who is amazing and awesome but who I also feel kind of have to put up with me because of DNA and the Catholic guilt and stuff….)
Since everything has happened with him in jail and my friend dying and living situations and my parents health and honestly I could go on… I realized I have never even let my friends in. They only ever partially know what is going on in my life.
But, so I did. Let them in. And it was scary. And it was painful. And it was a complete letting go of the ego. And I was vulnerable. For once.
What I found out was that if you let people in, they will come in and they will help you clean and they will make themselves at home and help you eat your pizza and make sure that you are OK. It is almost as if they have been “on-call” and waiting for you to say, “I need help.” I have experienced tremendous love and support from my friends near and far, and very far, and they have been nothing but amazing and awesome and funny and they keep me going when it is so hard to breathe that I don’t even know if I can EXIST anymore…. and they put me back into reality and keep me taking one baby step at a time, holding my hand and reminding me that one foot goes in front of the other. And they are patient and kind with me….
I know people have experienced worse and I could just be a giant baby (probably) but it doesn’t minimize the fact that life hurts sometimes and we have to realize that we can’t do it all on our own. God has placed these people in our lives through the years and there is a reason he put them there. Maybe we’re all each others little darling angels (oh, I’m sure!) and we were placed here to be here for each other because we know we “get” each other the best. And I know I’ve been there for my friends before but now I know what amount of absolute love it takes to really be there for them.
If I were me and I was a stranger to myself and I heard me babbling on about phone time about security deposits and funeral songs and kidneys, I would probably shoot myself while telling the me person that they need to get a life already and move on and you’re boring and go do something productive already.
And maybe my friends have felt that way at some time haha but yet, here they are. One text, one Facebook message, one emoticon, one sloppy drunk weeping phone call, one sleep on the couch, one “Let me pick you up right now”, one bathroom dance party, one hike, one Pilates session, one pedicure, one slice of pizza later….They were there for me when I needed them most.
Repeat this to yourself: I am loved.
Because if you’re reading this even if I haven’t talked to you in years or I’ve been missing you and you don’t even know it, you were/are in my life and I love you.
And thank you.