I’ve had a pretty rough couple of months. Like, seriously borderline hysterical back-to-back, there is no way this has ever happened before, to anyone ever, series of events, that must have been concocted to prove you are insane for living or lucky.
The hardest part of it all is trying to maintain some kind of “look at me I’m an adult” composure while feeling like “Mommy, daddy, I want you to feed me ice cream and hug me, waahhhh” and keeping my relationship with Christ strong. No, it isn’t easy. And yes, I asked Christ if he’s even watching over me. And no, he didn’t answer like I would’ve wanted, (“Really, Christ? You’re gonna do me like that?”) But yes, miracles happened.
It seems that ever since I’ve moved down to San Diego, I have had one trial over another. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had amazing blessings as well but isn’t it human nature to focus on the negative? Anyway, I’ve relied more and more heavily on my Christianity than I ever have before. I have felt defeated and brought to my knees on more than one occasion and subconsciously (it hurts) knowing that the only reason I felt so out of control was because I was lacking trust in God. I still yelled out and asked, “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” I started getting ready to move back to Riverside. (Which is totally depressing on another level…I mean, I’d like to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there…)
After two weeks of unhealthy habits, extreme anxiety, and inability to sleep (do you even know what I’m like without SLEEP!?) with deadlines approaching and no control over anything, I sat up in bed and prayed: “God, please relieve me of this anxiety. Please restore my faith. Please show me that I am wrong. I am releasing my worries to your control and I trust that you know best. I will NOT let these worries overcome me anymore. If this is your way to tell me to leave San Diego, please let things pan out as they should. If I should stay, please let them pan out as they should. Please, watch over me. I trust you. And God, can you just let me go to sleep??”
But it wasn’t enough.
I know me. If you know me, you know that I need to write things out. With pen and paper. This is how I digest information. This is how I commit. So I grabbed my Moleskine and my favorite ballpoint pen and wrote a prayer.
I laid back down, took a deep breath, checked out Facebook, read some scary stories, watched a funny YouTube cat video, waited for sleep to overcome me….and got a text that completely removed one of two burdens. Literally removed it. Like, I thought “There is no way that to remove one of my burdens, that this would even happen” but it totally happened.
My phone flew out of my hands and into my wall because of how fast I threw my arms up and praised God. I fell into a great peaceful and restful sleep.
I woke up the next morning to face another day that proposed a multitude of consequences for which I didn’t feel were justified. Nevertheless, I felt prepared to face whatever was going to be thrown at me. I felt an AMAZING peacefulness within me: no butterflies, no nausea, no anxiety, no worries… I even TRIED to psych myself up that way, like, “You know, this could end very terribly, this can ruin your life…” but then something kept telling me, “Just keep driving, you are going to be just fine.”
I felt an internal eye roll in there, too.
That morning, I woke up knowing what I was ready to face and washed my face, applied my make-up, did my hair, got in my car, and drove, like it was just like any other day. I even put air in my tires because I thought it may be the responsible thing to do. I made it on time, I followed directions, and I found out, second burden was released.
I am blessed to harbor such an amazing, intelligent, caring, loving, funny, diverse, set of friends and family. Many I’ve known well over 5-10 years and newer ones that kind of don’t know my crazy yet (my crazy is good, in my opinion!) Atheism, agnosticism, existentialism: these are not foreign concepts to me. These are not schisms in which I will turn away a friend just as I wouldn’t expect my friends to turn me away because of my Christianity. SO, I will say, I love my friends for putting up with my God talk because I know they don’t all agree but I know they all are happy for the way things have turned out. I don’t know why I turned down this tangent but I just felt like I said Jesus, prayer, and God too much in this blog post so I want everyone to know I still have friends and no, they aren’t all Christian, haha.
So on that note, I’m tired. Stay tuned for my next blog post where I discuss clutter, Sartre, the Free Masons, and volunteering.