The more I talk about it, the less I do control.

As the New Year approaches and everyone gets ready to reset their frame of minds, I’m causing myself to pause and think of all my failures this past year. What a downer, right? Not necessarily. I am encouraged to do this based off of an inebriated conversation with my boss because I noticed that as I ticked down the list of everything I was unhappy about, a common theme was not taking the time to pause and reflect before I acted. You know that person that jumps before they see where they might land, speaks before they think, acts before they reflect — that is me.
The only time I really do get to pause and think is if/when I ever write a blog. This tends to be off-putting to people that are sometimes referenced in it and yes, I can hear you typing behind my back like I’m a social-internet-tard (“omg, can you believe she posted THAT!? embarrassing….”) but I can honestly say that for whatever reason, it usually doesn’t bother me. Maybe because I already know I’m pretty embarrassing.

In fact, as I step into “I’m secure with myself” talk I immediately also start wearing a “But not with this part of myself” talk. I am comfortable in knowing that I have tons of strengths and quite a few weaknesses but the only time it really bothers me is when it involves other people. Unless you are a hermit on an island (can I come visit?) everyone is reliant on someone else and we can all wear multiple hats at any given time. And being a disappointment can be, well, disappointing.

Sometimes, one role’s obligations can interfere with the other. You can be a absent daughter and a productive employee and a busy friend. You could be a loving girlfriend and the bad influence and a functioning member of society. You could be a Christian and a drug addict and codependent son. You could be a friend and a confidante and the town gossip. Are any of these bad? I don’t think so, I think it’s pretty human. I think complacency is bad and I think that’s where I’m at.
In fact, Christianity is partly based in complacency being bad. To become a follower of Christ you have to turn from old habits and old lifestyles and old people (not like, elderly people but, you know) and turn to Christ. You leave your old life behind with faith that making these changes will bring you closer to your Creator. I think these past couple of months I’ve kinda half-assed that. I’ve put myself in the same repeated conversations and situations and pretty much said “This is THEIR fault, they need to figure it out” and yet when I see other people do the exact same thing I sit there and think, “When are they going to realize that THEY are the common factor in every failed friendship and uncomfortable situation?”
While I added more good and more love and more kindness to my life and more faith, I quickly fall into bad mindsets and bad feelings and old habits when things don’t work out. What am I calling Christ my Savior for if I won’t let him save me from the parts of myself that need change? Why do I pray to God if I don’t let Him help me become better in all of the roles I have to play on a daily basis? I turned into the hypocrisy that Christianity is synonymous with, to some people. Man, I don’t wanna be that person.
I don’t really have a good ending for this and I have some tamales in the kitchen calling my name so…. I’m kind of distracted. I got to celebrate Christmas with my family yesterday, though, and it was as lovely as ever. 🙂

I’m most likely not going to be able to make a post tomorrow so I wanted to wish my blog a Happy 1 Year Anniversary! Is anyone reading? Is anybody out there, anyone ? 😉