God, can I be a little rebellious?

Day 7 of my fast, feeling good. Finished Matthew, that was intense. Blah, blah, no one likes hearing about my fast.


So, this may be not what you imagine but if you know me personally, maybe you do. As much as I totally identify with Jesus being my Savior and open-heartedly read the Bible and genuinely feel the love and Spirit of God in my life, I still have a lot of issues with socializing within my church or with other Christians.

Admittedly, it is pretty easy for me to make friends. Christian friends? Ehhh…not so much. And it’s nobodies fault but my own. I get really put off by this ever-glowing personality of some people I meet. I’ll admit, it feels really cultish and semi-fake and well, let’s face it like Goody Two-Shoes. And I’m the weirdo in the corner wondering if I should try Mederma for my scars after praying and making morbid jokes to myself. That is just my personality, I think. Then if I do meet someone kinda cool I’m like, “Oh please don’t start quoting scripture to me because I ain’t gonna know what book you pulled that from and I can’t recite anything back… I’m new. I’m learning.”

A lot of things have changed since I really started reading the Bible and being involved in church and learning more about my faith over a year ago. A LOT. Am I still a brat sometimes? YEAH. Am I working on it? SO HARD. I’ve given up a lot of things, thoughts, and behaviors I used to have that I thought were “fun” which really were just self destructive though and so not Christ-like.

SERIOUSLY, I imagine the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit and my poor, poor, guardian angel just looking like this:

Meanwhile, I’m over here like:

So, I was praying the other day and I was like, “God, I’m so uncomfortable being a Christian. We both know I’m not a saint, I cuss internally throughout the day and find inappropriate jokes super hilarious. Yeah, I’m trying really hard to live and think and love and behave and serve and learn and BE the person Christ died for me to be. I’m really trying to hear your voice and lead me to what I’m supposed to do and what my purpose is and what is my gift and what the heck and I supposed to do with it? I know I want to glorify you, Lord, but does it have to be so…. good? So boring?” Now I’m going to stop right there to say that these words really came from me during my prayer, “God, can’t I be a little rebellious and still be a good Christian? Can’t Christianity be a little edgier?” Trust me, I know how that sounds. I’M the one writing it, dude. It’s embarrassing…

Anyway, later that evening I went to Barnes & Noble and picked up a book I’ve been free-reading for the past week; it has daily motivational quips for writers and I find them pretty awesome. I decided I may buy it finally and took a look at the cover, “A Year of Writing Dangerously”. A-ha. I see what you did there.

So I come home and put on some Spotify. I clicked on ‘inspirational’ or something and this playlist came up called, “Not Your Mother’s Christian Music.” (Which is SUPER amazing, by the way. If you didn’t listen to the lyrics you’d just find yourself dancing to it not knowing it was faith-based music.) Good call, God. I’m onto you.

I say ALLLLL of that to say that, I’m going to try this church socialization thing again tomorrow and Thursday and revisit one place I liked on Wednesday. Maybe there are other misfit Christians out there (duh) and we will find each other and be BFF’s and be awesome.

Also, before and during this whole thing, I’ve been given great inspiration to try something new. It is pretty different (kind of) for me, and it will require a lot of faith and patience and discipline. It has been put on my heart to do it, so do it I must (try.)

I’ll let ya know how it goes.

Excerpt from Kiplings “The Prodigal Son”
I wasted my substance, I know I did,
On riotous living, so I did,
But there’s nothing on record to show I did
Worse than my betters have done.
They talk of the money I spent out there –
They hint at the pace that I went out there –
But they all forget I was sent out there
Alone as a rich man’s son.