Then again in 2013…
And now, I’m getting baptized next week.
I haven’t been the perfect Christian and I’ve definitely had my share of backsliding. I’m not afraid to own up to that, that’s not what this is about.
Or, maybe it is.
Maybe that’s exactly what this is about.
Here is my testimony from a little over a year ago if you want to learn more about the path my faith has taken.
Everything was sooo glowy, and I had hearts bulging from my eyes like the emoji, and my heart had a sh!t-eating grin that was on display for the whole world to see, and God fixed everything and I was good, and I didn’t have to keep being Christian anymore, my soul was cured.
Except, well… maybe not.
If you read my last post, I’ve gotten myself into quite the pickle that most “Christians” should probably not find themselves in.
But, they do. And that’s part of being human. Frankly, that’s part of God’s plan, no matter how much you hate that phrase.
Life has this beautiful way of being extreme. It is extremely exciting, and adventurous and exhilarating. So unpredictable, so spirit-changing, so humbling. Whether you are looking at your newly plumped-up bank account and making out with a super model, or…. checking into a Motel 6 with your last $50 because you don’t have anywhere to live, eating stale pizza for the third night in a row that you’ve rationed for yourself– it is all of these things. It is extremely exciting, and adventurous and exhilarating. So unpredictable, so spirit-changing, so humbling.
These past couple of weeks have been all of those things. The past decade. My entire life. But let’s focus on the past couple of weeks.
|Sobriety should come with this warning: Danger – Reality Ahead|
I have started going to AA meetings and finding many open arms and good belly laughs. I have heard the term “dry drunk” more times than I like to admit. At first, it was okay because it was people calling themselves that. Then it was me being called that, and I didn’t like it very much. Truth be told, it was from an ex that was trying to engage me in old habits of arguing, but it really didn’t apply to me. I didn’t engage. And though I know why he called me that, I felt comfortable that, since finding sobriety this most recent time, he was wrong.
Maybe the reason is because this time, I’m focusing on me and my spiritual relationship. It has always been so easy for me to make excuses and lies to myself about why I was drinking, and what I was drinking over, and who’s fault it was this time. Recently, I’m so busy being a sobby-snotty mess that I have nothing but to look inwards and upwards, and focus on getting that mess all under control.
It feels selfish. It really does. But I can’t help anyone else when I can’t even help myself. I can’t glorify God to other people, if I can’t use my own life to glorify God as an example.
If this is all rambling and disjointed, I apologize. But I don’t really. If it seems messy and weird and unimportant and uncertain, maybe it is. Maybe my outsides are just matching my insides for once, right now.
I used to look normal but feel eternally, internally, crazy. Now, between my sobbing and joyous exudences, I look crazy but I feel internally at peace.
I don’t know where this road is going, but I’m hopeful and trusting that it’s where I’m supposed to be.
Romans 15:13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.