Why, hello there fancy seeing you here. As you can see I’ve decided (involuntarily voluntarily) to take a vacation of sorts. You know get away from the bad influences and personal vices that so harmfully seem to get in the way of my day-to-day awesomeness. God has blessed me with this new experience to really reflect on my future and I am eating up the time like it will never come to me again, because it won’t. For the past several months I’ve bargained my instincts and self care for instant gratification and “easiness”. It’s so much easier to just go along with what you’ve been doing, however harmful it is. Because it’s comfortable! Over and over again I misplaced my optimism that this time I could make it work. I just needed to love more, be patient more, be forgiving more, trust more… drink less (ha). While I don’t blame my self for trying I misplaced my faith doing these things Thinking I had control over anything other than myself. So here I am with God’s grace, focusing on myself (w/God).
Have I ever told you what a “hard learner” I am? It is true. I always have to learn the hard way Even if I know just how easy and simple the “other” way is. Even if I’ve experienced the easy way, I will retrace my steps, almost to mock fate and say, “okay but what if I do this?”
Sometimes the risk was minimal, sometimes excessive, but there’s always a sense in me that I was supposed to learn this way. There is no other way and I am grateful for the lesson before my risks started hurting more people.
That being said, I am not guilty of the crime I am here for and when I tell other inmates why I am here, with all brutal honesty that comes with taking responsibility for the rise before the fall, people become angry for me. I try to jump on the bandwagon too, but I’m not mad or sad, or hopeless, or bitter, or resentful I am… almost psychotically at peace.
From the moment I added myself to the court calendar, to the second I heard the word “remand” I knew this was the limb I needed to go out on, with God’s grace. This is what should have been and I am here.
I know you are thinking, “Get to the good stuff the fights, the racism, the lesbians, the a-hole guards….” All I can say is that I’m sure it exists. Get a bunch of rebellious gals together with a million different life stories, experiences, agendas, and of course things probably get uneasy. But since I have been here, all I have experienced is soul crushing compassion and understanding and respect for every woman here. From the deputies to the inmates, I feel stupidly honored to be among them, to here their stories, laugh at their jokes, cry over a missed call, or worry with them. These women make me proud to be a woman.
These women are fucking resilient. From the jail newbies (me) to the long-term, prison-sentenced offenders, all of these women speak with intelligence and awareness of their reality. (Well, except there was supposedly a lady who said that every house on TV was hers. “You guys, when we get out you can come swim in my pool, look that’s my pool!” But hey, we can all dream cant we?)
[Side note* You know what I really miss? Pens. Ballpoint pens. WTF. ]
The sense of humor in here is ridiculous, funny , and heart-breaking.
I sat down to make a tongue-in-cheek entry and instead just ended up gushing feelings. Sorry. Oh Yea. I’m in Jail.
Don’t be mistaken, I’m not condoning going to jail. It’s not for everyone and I do miss making inexpensive calls/texts to friends and family. But I am here.
Very special thank you to my rock star friend Mike for posting this. I know Wyoming probably only has one computer and 56k dial up, but I have faith he’s figured it out. Mike, you are awesome and thank you for being a pillar in my otherwise dilapidated shack. (Huh?) I love you.
And to my family – I am sorry. Thank you for your unconditional love and support and stability. I’d be lost without you.
(BTW: Riverside & SB jails have a really bad reputation here. So glad to not be locked up there! Las Colinas just had a major makeover too. So don’t worry about me rotting away in a dungeon!)