My favorite feeling takes place in the summer while I’m still in bed. That feeling when the sun is rising and barely warming the air outside. That moment I know it’s going to be hotter than hell today and I’m still in bed in a room with cool air, untouched by the sunlight. I like the heat but for this moment, I get to hide from it. I get to enjoy this temporary moment, like the sun doesn’t know where I am. The air is different, it tells me to jump into it like a pool. Dive right in. Hurry, before the sun gets here. I feel like I’m getting away with something. It is so early in the day and already I’m playing hide-and-seek with the day. I’m hiding from the sun, what else am I capable of today? The butterflies in my stomach awaken. The possibilities are truly endless.
Then the sun starts pouring in through the windows; it’s like the sun is gloating. The air starts to change. Its a gentle warmness that says: I found you. Gigs up. I laugh. It urges me out of bed. I’ve been found out and reality sits in. I start the day. And I try not to leave my butterflies behind.
Recovery from alcoholism and bipolar II depression has really reawakened my hope for each day.
In 3 days, it will be one year since I got my 3rd DUI that changed the course of my life.
About 30 days ago, it was two years since I moved away from Riverside.
Who I am, what I value, what I want, has changed significantly.
One day ago, after a career change, several moves in San Diego, a bad relationship, newfound friendships, strengthened faith, deepened relationships, jail time, new goals, and the highest of high’s and the lowest of low’s, I’ve moved back to San Marcos.
Where everything started.
This time, I’m not going to hide from the possibilities.
I was so afraid two years ago, to fail. To look stupid. To not be perfect. I wasn’t even good at it though, everyone knew I was a mess. The depth of denial I was in though, dude, it was pretty freakin’ deep. And everyone knows I can’t swim.
These days, I’m so excited. I’m excited to try new things. I’m excited to fail. I’m excited to succeed. I’m excited to try. I’m excited to be scared. I’m excited to ask for help. I’m excited to let you know that I don’t have it all together today, and maybe I never will, but I got it more together than I had it two years ago, five years ago, ten years ago….
Greatness and failure are like the sun coming to find me, and I’ve been in a room of complacency for way too long. The butterflies, or bats, or whatever the hell is flapping around in my stomach, are awakened and I’m so excited by the possibility of either (greatness or failure, not bats or butterflies.)
|My “WTF is next for me” face