The downside of bipolar II disorder is… depression.
Did you expect anything different?
I do. All of the time.
It’s hard to explain. It’s like a sore throat. Annoying, painful, and keeping me from feeling good about myself. Yet, I can still carry on like everything is OK.
This time it isn’t a full-blown wave of debilitating depression like I’ve had in the past, the kind that keeps me from even getting out of bed. I fear that kind of depression. It’s heavy and it hurts everywhere. Nothing makes me laugh or cry, I just kind of evolve into a stone.
No, this is just a more subtle depression that keeps me in bed just a little longer than I should be. I still say, “yay” at the appropriate times, maybe insincerely, because I still care enough (a little bit) to try to seem normal. Everything is a struggle though, from waking up to brushing my hair to answering a call at work. Do I have to change into PJ’s? Can’t I just sleep in this denim skirt with my make-up on? Ugh… Its awful because I know nothing around me has changed yet I feel very differently. Everything that brings me joy is just like, static noise to me now.
I think of things to make me happy. I do things like buy an indulgent coffee to get lost in the sweetness and caffeine of it. There’s a little comfort but I don’t feel better. Maybe shopping. Nope, don’t care enough about how I look to care about shopping right now. Call my mom. She seems happy, I won’t bother her with this now. Movie. I like this movie. I realize half an hour into it that I’ve been blank-staring at the screen, I don’t want to watch it right now. Go for a walk. I walk about half a block before realizing I’m too self-conscious to be out in public right now, go back home. Read. I’ve re-read this paragraph about 4 times now. Listen to Pandora, all the songs sound the same. Text a friend. Forgot I texted her so I read her reply too late. Try to remember what the doctor told me, The medication will help so the low’s aren’t so low but you may occasionally still feel depressed. Great. Pray and be thankful to God for all my blessings, my prayers sound too lame and fake right now. Remember happy times, but I can’t remember any right now.
Writing, you say? I’ve already deleted and re-written this twice, I’m heavily annoyed.
It will all go away eventually, that’s the only thing that makes me feel better. Knowing that this isn’t a life sentence, I’ll feel better eventually.
Just not right now.