By grace and by grit.

I’m trying this new thing where I write more often. For therapeutic reasons and for other reasons, like actually making this a functioning readable blog and because some people I love and respect very much told me I need to write more. Also because, blah.

Ever since my trip to Denver, I’ve been antsy for change. In the pit of my stomach, I got that feeling that I got before I moved to San Diego. The “this is it, I’m moving here, starting over” feeling. I could feel my heart planting itself into the Denver soil, picture giving my two-week notice at work, and hauling all my little stuff in my little undriveable Beetle across a few states to make Denver my new home.

Although everything in my body wants me to move (I get butterflies thinking about it now), I know now is not the right time.

(***UPDATE: As I was writing this blog I seriously got two missed calls from a Denver, CO phone number — WTF! Did I apply for a job or something somewhere? My mind reels.)

This is how I feel about my inner-adult.

That’s the adult in me.

The adult in me always wants to cramp my style, man. But the adult in me always wants to protect me, too.

It’s helped to recognize that I just have a really hard time standing still (thank you, therapy.) I’ve had this same job for a while, same place to live, things are steady for the most part, there hasn’t been anything great to overcome or anything new to conquer. This is a huge trigger for me, in many ways. It is this feeling that has caused great chaos to ensue when I try to fix it on my own. The adult in me knows that now.

I recently started taking public transportation again because of some issues going on with my car. Well, I woke up late and missed the bus one morning so I took a Lyft. It was a gloomy morning, I felt gloomier inside, the whole “is this it? Is this my life now” burden took over my brain and I started feeling pretty sorry for my boring life.

Started talking to the Lyft driver, you could tell he’s on some Tony-Robbins kick, and he’s going on and on about how he’s going to be moving to Mexico and commuting to California to sell insurance and all these great business opportunities he has. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the backseat like, hating myself and trying to disappear into my commuter cup of now-cold coffee. He’s like, “But you know what? It’s like that saying, sometimes good enough is good enough. I need to stop and enjoy what I got going on right now. You know what I mean? Good enough is good enough. Don’t forget that. One day you’re going to look back at this time right now and think, Wow I really should’ve enjoyed that more.


How I feel about “standing still”

I really should. I just have a really hard time doing it because then it means I have to look at what I have now and appreciate it, for all its goodness and gloominess. For all it’s predictability and comfort. I’ve actually worked really hard to get to where I am right now, stable. So why am I in such a rush to change that?

So ladies and gentleman, I’m trying to do that now. For the first time in my life, I’m just going to stand still and accept that what I have right now is enough.

Do you have a hard time standing still in your life? Are you constantly looking to change the “outside” because you’re terrified of staying put and looking at your “insides”?

Does your dream city ever call you up when you’re talking about not moving there?

WTF, Denver.