I’ve been away from blogging for a while for a lot of personal reasons. The one I (don’t) want to talk about is the most unresolved one, which is: I only write because of God and I don’t really want to.
*insert cool shrug*
*insert defiant teenager stance*
*insert God rolling His Holy Eyes at me or something*
I got into a gnarly fight with God last year where I was all, “NO! I don’t want to write anymore if all I’m going to write about is recovery and You and salvation and Christianity — NO ONE CARES. The people that do care, are already Christian and don’t need to hear it or learn anything from me. And the ones that don’t care, are the ones I want to help, and they think I’m annoying and they think You’re annoying and won’t listen to what I say. So no, God, I can’t do this with you. If I’m going to help some people, I’m doing it my way.”
Then I went off and relapsed for like, six months.
*insert God cringing at my stubbornness*
Okay, okay, so I licked my wounds and came crawling back on my knees to God, pretty surprised and shocked to find out I couldn’t take this world on my own, much less be of help to ANYONE. God (being, you know, God) opened His big comforty arms wide for me and let me heal.
So, that’s where I’ve been: I’ve been healing. I have a year sober today, October 8. Last year on this day, I was hungover and I took my 3rd Step in a church with a group of about 8 other people and knelt down and cried and said, “God, may I do your will, always.”
I took that covenant very seriously.
I figured I’d just hand the keys to Jesus and let him do the steering in my life for a while. That’s really how I live and deal with a lot of difficulties in my life. Ah, why stress? God’s got it.
Sometimes, that whole laissez-faire attitude ends up coming off as being careless or too laid-back. Sometimes, I tend to come off as though I don’t care at all which is the furthest from the truth.
The truth is, I care so much I’m afraid to get involved and ruin things. I can talk to God and hear pretty loud and clear what I’m supposed to do, then convince myself I’m crazy and run the opposite direction. Or sometimes, I just freeze. Fight, flight, or freeze, right? Last year, I fought for my survival to get back to God. This year, I feel like I’ve been freezing or fleeing from purpose… and responsibility.
*insert God patiently tapping his Holy Toes and pointing at his Eternal watch*
So, okay, okay, Jesus — don’t be so pushy. I’m here now, and I’m not going to freeze or run away from what has been pressed on my heart to do: write.
And yes, write about things I really don’t want to.
*rolling my unholy eyeballs*
See, I don’t want to write about recovery for the rest of my life. I don’t want to write about Christianity forever. I don’t want to pretend like any. of. this. is easy. It isn’t.
It isn’t even because I care about what you’re going to think about me. What makes this difficult is knowing that the climate of the society we are in right now is aggressive and hostile and divisive and no one wants to talk about God when people are getting shot and killed and raped and left to starve on the streets.
Hold on to your seats, you guys. You aren’t going to like what I have to say right now, Christian or not, believer or not, human or not, reading this or not…
I’m about to throw down some Bible (not like actually throw it because, that’d be bad, but like thrrrooow it, ya know.)
Here we go, some Biblical truth, guys:
We are all made in God’s image.
So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27, NLT
This doesn’t mean that people don’t suck, because they totally do. That’s why Jesus died for us, because of our suckiness. But also, because of our worthiness. AND BECAUSE (watch this) we are REDEEMABLE.
Things. can. change.
When I was fighting with God last year, and sitting through AA meetings giving side-eye to everyone that seemed happy, I had to admit — they were all seemed relieved to be alive and redeemed from the lives they had been living.
I wanted that.
So, I’m here for redemption. Writing again to deaf ears and blind eyes and closed souls and crossed arms because it is what this world needs, or maybe just what one or two people need, and God is shoving me out of the airplane door to skydive and scream into a terrifying world to say: I hate writing about recovery and God and writing but I also really love it because it is what makes God happy and that makes all the difference in the world.
I hope you join me on this mumbling journey to discover what God wants to say to me, to you, to us, about all kinds of things as I type away trying not to meticulously self-edit as I do.
I love you!