…Aw, she never cared for me
But did she ever say a prayer for me?
In case you missed it, this conversation happened at my folk’s house this weekend:
My mother is a very lovely woman but, she knows her daughter and rarely minces words.
We were clearing out some stuff that my parents had moved out of storage and into their garage (with some delusion that their daughters would come to reclaim their belongings [“no, you guys keep it safe”]) when we kept stumbling upon pictures (yes kids, ACTUAL developed PHOTOGRAPHS taken with digital CAMERAS and even *gasp* FILM cameras back in the day…) of my ex-boyfriends.
We reminisced on those old boyfriends and I updated my mother on where most of them are now. We tsk-tsk’d how things could have been and just before I began to wallow in self-loathing, my mom said something pretty remarkable: You weren’t ready yet. Things worked out how they were supposed to.
Then she went on to question, “What exactly did you do to them, anyway? I remember you saying their mothers didn’t really like you. Mothers always know what’s best for their kids, you know I always tell you that…”
I tossed the pictures aside and grabbed a stuffed animal, a bear, with a mini paint palette attached to his plush paw: “Can’t we just talk about Pierre le Bear? He’s an artist!”
The next day, we dreamed about us (my parents and I) moving out of state — maybe out of the country! I’m recently obsessed with moving to Mexico and my mom encouraged me to go visit soon and hang out with family while they’re still around. I wistfully voiced the words, “Maybe my future boyfriend is out there, in Mexico, just waiting for meee…”
My mom looked at me, pretty surprised, “Are you actually wanting a boyfriend?”
Me: “I don’t know… Why?”
Mom: “Because I don’t think you do. I think you’re just bored. Are you lonely? I doubt that you’re lonely… do you really want a boyfriend?”
Her line of questioning was so genuine and curious, I really had to stop daydreaming for a moment. I looked at Coppola, I looked at my mom, I thought about all the pictures of boyfriends and what my life looks like now…
I thought about how much progress I’ve made in my life, how totally WRECKED I was when I was younger and how I dragged everyone down with me. Yeah, most of my boyfriend’s mother’s were nice to me but they also didn’t really know what I was going through, all they saw was the torture I was putting their poor sons through.
I’ve made enough relationship amends to know, I never want to make them again.
But, the truth is I just know more now than I did when I was in my 20’s and there is still so much to learn. How to be selfless, how to be thoughtful, how to be fair… I think I’ve pretty much wiped out most of the egotistical maniacal b*tch out of me, But I don’t know, sometimes there’s some residual crazy that comes out when I’m underslept and underfed…
I have a friend with a significant other and she voiced one of my biggest fears of being in a relationship: “He just doesn’t fit into my life. I created this beautiful life and he isn’t a part of it. He is separate from it.”
In all, that is the most terrifying part of a relationship for me. It isn’t being hurt, it isn’t… I don’t know, what else sucks about being in a relationship? No, it is just that I have finally created a little niche in this world, a happy little place where “things and I go together” and I’m having a really hard time imagining someone coming into that.
I so love and crave my alone time, my individuality, my freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want to, daydreaming and talking to God, spending all day texting and calling my friends or withdrawing into my writing cave and spontaneous solo road trips… I am so happy for people that have managed to successfully merge their lives with someone else but, like, I really don’t want to. Like, please don’t make me…
A great love story:
We don’t belong to each other. We just took up by the river one day.
Anyway, God’s totally got His Holy Hand in everything so I’ll take His Holy Cue when he shoves the perfect man in front of me and things just mesh. Until then, I’ll hang out with Him…and after then, too.