It seems so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex.

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Art. Love. Social Media. Relationships. Writing. God.

I can relate a lot of my introspective creative pursuits to good ol’ attempts at raw abstraction via construction paper and magazine cut outs — a messy disconnected collage. Add some sticky wet glue to hold it all up, describe it with a vagueness and voila! You have “art”… I guess.

Actually, I’ve never really been someone to judge art too harshly. Most of it doesn’t interest me but I just assume that I don’t “get” it and that my brain is better entertained by morose poetry and pretty songs. On the other hand, I think human being are the PERFECT art. In all their nakedness, pompousness, selflessness, fragility, strength, and sheer humanity — THIS is the most beautiful art of all. And technology has ruined it.

Technology is great, though. It keeps me in touch with people I wouldn’t usually have in my circle. But it is also pretty harmful to meaningful social connections that I think God would want me to have. Half the time I’m scrolling through endless feeds, I’m not looking to affirm a friendship, usually. I’m looking for entertainment, something to learn, to burn through a few minutes…that turn into hours. I’m not heartless, of course, I reach out to a friend when I see someone is struggling, OF COURSE, but how comfortable would you be if a practical internet stranger/acquaintance offered to listen to you cry if you needed them to? No one takes me up on my serious offers, and I can say I’ve only rarely taken up stranger/acquaintances on theirs because these meaningful bonds that allow us to be vulnerable haven’t been created.

The people I call when I have good news or sad news, are the people whose voices I hear quivering over the phone when they struggle with God or who let me drive maniacally to their house and disrupt their dinner when I’m having a nervous breakdown. I WANT MORE OF THIS. I see and FEEL God so clearly and strongly in these situations.

Also, honestly, I just want more God. I want God everywhere all the time. His presence satiates and soothes me when no human being can. AND I WANT TO TAKE GOD TO PEOPLE. People are dying spiritual death EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

My attempts to make sense of human relationships, my relationship with myself, and my relationship with God, is a really shitty collage art project that is more easily digestible (total sarcasm) through writing. THIS IS WHY I WRITE. If you just clack out a bunch of tiny letters smushed together in different orders on your white loud keyboard for hours and hours and hours, you will eventually reach some conclusion about the meaning of life that will hold you over until your next existential crisis.

That is why I’m finally typing my book I’ve been haphazardly idealizing for three years and saying goodbye to the meaningless social media scrolling (for a lil bit) that I justified by calling it “social” time. My only comfort in this is that I know God will find me there, in the white space between typed or blue-inked handwritten lines, gently guiding me along to keep on keepin’ on… That is utterly comforting to me.

I was rewatching a Joan Didion documentary for probably, like, the fifth time, and in describing her marriage, she says:

“I don’t know what falling in love means. It’s not part of my world. But I wanted this to continue, I liked having somebody there.”

Hearing this, my immediate reaction was: HELL YES. I understand this. It wasn’t a slight at him… she really did love him and respected him immensely. Also… is she a freakin’ Sagittarius? (Calm down, I know that’s Satan-worship or whatever [not really] but seriously… have you ever realized how true them personalities arrrre?? Also… she is a Sag….)

I don’t expect everyone to meet God or me or humans or writing or art and fall madly in love. But like me and Joan Didion, maybe you’ll get to know Him and his holy entourage and realize hey, you kinda like having somebody there.

I’ll be dedicating my time to these values I hold near and dear to me. God, writing, relationships, and may not be interneting as much or as often as usual. (YOU CAN STILL TEXT ME MEMES.)

Email me if you need a friend or call me if you want to talk. I’M SERIOUS.

vanzsetfree@gmail.com

Let’s BE the art God created us to be.

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