Half-believing, half-suspicious

I like painting. Self-portraits were my go-to. This didn’t seem interesting to me. I was just always available to pose. Faces and hands are my favorite. But, kind of weird to ask someone to pose when you aren’t very comfortable with your painting skills.

One day, I had posted a sketch of, you know, my face. Someone had commented, “Wow, self-absorbed much?”

Then I got into recovery and I couldn’t stop taking selfies. #SOBERLIFE or whatever. I don’t think I ever used #soberissexy but if I did, feel free to shoot me.

Last year, I took a trip to the desert with my camera. That was my new paintbrush since I stopped painting because I couldn’t think of anything to paint. I bought the camera when I was drunk and found it again when I was sober. Better to use it, anyway.

There is nothing I know about photography. Genuinely, I don’t know anything about it except what my eye thinks looks ok. Landscapes are hard and just… well, the camera rarely does nature justice. So guess who started posing in front of the camera…

That voice started came up again: “Wow, self-absorbed much?”

Like most things, I had to wait a minute and overthink it.

Of course, my generation grew up on social media. MySpace, Livejournal, Friendster, Melo… there are probably a ton more that I could name. These were based on our faces. These were also very troubled times for me because I had no idea who I was. (Like any 20 year old does??)

As I got older, and painted myself and photographed myself, I really disconnected from the face I saw online. I neither recognized her or felt like I embodied her. Whether she was ugly, fat, pretty, thin, sane, unhealthy… it didn’t matter because it was not me.

Have you ever stared at a picture of your face and not recognized it?

So last year, I began really photographing myself and it was fun. Not because I think I’m pretty or interesting to look at, but because I really like colors and going outside. What I realized also was… I tend to take a lot more photos of myself when I’m going through some kind of transition.

Weird, right?

Not really.

During times of change, even fun positive change, I think I want to look at myself and write about it because I want to remember who I am at that moment.

I want to recognize the girl that never knew herself before.

I want to recall into my memory who I am.

I want to remind myself to embody steadfastness while everything around me changes.

Honestly, I would find it totally understandable if someone was like, “omg I’m sick of seeing yr face on my social media” I’d be like, “f*ck, me too! I have to walk around with this thing, for God’s sake…” but I don’t want to apologize for it anymore. This is just my process and we all have our own thing.

Also, I realize that people tend to read my words more if there is a photo of my mug attached so that’s all just a subliminal tactic to get you to read my shitty writing, so thanks — k, bye!

I know whose I am. God, I belong to you.
I know whose I am. God, I belong to you.