I don’t want to understand you.

You have lost your reason and taken the wrong path. You have taken lies for truth, and hideousness for beauty. You would marvel if, owing to strange events of some sorts, frogs and lizards suddenly grew on apple and orange trees instead of fruit, or if roses began to smell like a sweating horse; so I marvel at you who exchange heaven for earth. I don’t want to understand you.

The Bet” by Anton Chekhov

I go through seasons of absorbing information , personalities, and experiences. Then, I become overwhelmed, tired, actually physically sick. My spirit becomes heavy. Sometimes I ingest a lot of bad perspectives, things I let seep in to practice withholding judgment but actually are just poisonous thoughts I never should’ve let enter my brains ecosystem. Already, I’ve found some thoughts I need to shake. Before they take root and ruin the good.

This past season has been one of observation. The study of… many things that I can’t say now in case you were part of the experiment. It’s sufficient to say that whether it’s on a personal level or a world wide level, I’ve become disillusioned with the true good that lives within all of us. This brings resentment and depression. It could be a spiritual attack. It could be time to get back on meds. But the first thing I need to do is draw some space between being bombarded with things I don’t need to know and my carefully curated personal peace.

It feels as though there were some agreements made with the Opposer, as if I thought that would get me what I want. As if the bad way is the best way, which has often been the only way I knew for me to get anything. It is cowardly to march on believing that things that started on a corrupt foot will end well.

It is much more freeing to admit, “This was a bad idea. I repent. I’m tearing up this contract and swallowing my pride. This will be the hard way but it will be the right way.”

I don’t even know where that way goes! Half the time, I’m not sure I want to. There is no doubt it will be good and blessed, I am fine by that. My ideas of what “good” can encompass can be flawed though. Sometimes my own immaturity clogs up the crystal clear miracles that happen on a daily basis.

Everything becomes complicated as I become more involved. I want to take a nap right now as I write this. But in reality, life truly is simple. And I still have too much to do.

The next season that inevitably follows the absorbing information and detoxing seasons, is the season of creation. It is my favorite, and I look forward to it now. I know it’ll return. It’ll be subtle and unexpected. Like when I’m walking Coppola in the evening, and I notice the air has changed just a bit, and the sun sets a little earlier, and my little heart begins to flutter at the possibility of change. God gives us these seasons and they are predictable, you know they inevitably come but they always bring such novelty, potential, and expectationI just can’t take that for granted.

You’re not threatened by the war
You’re not shaken by the storm
I know You’re in control
Even in our suffering
Even when it can’t be seen
I know You’re in control

“Trust in You”-Lauren Daigle