Though hope can be painful, I’ll try to be faithful.

Leaving Joshua Tree as I type this. On to a new adventure. Whatever that means.

I like lists. Here’s one as I enter my 34th year of existence.

  1. For literal God’s sake, Vanessa, spend more time doing things for other people. This is vague because I haven’t listened to God enough to figure out how. But I know He’s been not-so-subtly pointing me in “a” direction.
  2. Less phone time, more face-to-face time with humans. Especially ones I like and that like me back enough to create space for me.
  3. Without completely exorcising my optimism and faith in humanity, I will live in the present reality. When you have a disposition like mine, rooted in fantasy and optimism, it’s easy to experience heartbreak when things don’t go as planned. That’s fine, I can deal with a little heartbreak. It’s all the unhatched plans I make on the contingency of that optimism that is frustrating. More real plans, please.
  4. Continue falling in love with the idea of people all the time, every day, like Jesus said… just make it less focused on the emotionally and legally unavailable.
  5. Visit a forest, geez.
  6. Practice honesty with kinder words. Not everyone appreciates blunt transparency like I do. Even though I say honesty with love, when someone is already hurt, all the honesty in love can still sting.
  7. Or better yet, say nothing at all. I don’t have to talk all. the. time. Listen.
  8. Travel with people!!! You’d think this would be easy but I really don’t like traveling with people, haha. I am inherently selfish. Sigh. THERE now my secret is out. asifyoudidn’tknow
  9. Write. Good photography isn’t a substitute for shitty writing.

When I got sober, I felt this awful urge to do ALL THE THINGS AT ONCE because I felt I’d wasted so much time. I didn’t want to waste my time doing anything unimportant because I had this dread that God was going to end my life soon and I was just getting started. It would be his final joke. That is my sense of humor, NOT HIS.

I feel like I have a little more time than I originally expected so I’m going to chill. Relax.

Do unimportant things if they bring joy.

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“I mustn’t forget when I see the sun set that tomorrow it will rise again so I tattoo instructions on my ass, that say don’t ever put this body in a casket. Burn it and put the ashes in a basket. And throw them in the…” [the California desert, plz.]