In the course of the past year, I have gotten angry exactly three times.
Angry to the point where my chest tightened, my breath became shallow, and the thought “I would not regret if this person died today” crossed my mind. Maybe the thought “I need a drink” came up, maaaybe. Certainly every cell in my body pulled me to exit the situation and run and burn some bridges on the way.
Luckily, thanks to years of DBT and AA (…and GOD), when resentful thoughts become constant companions in a hot shower, during a delicious meal, amidst a long drive, when brushing my teeth, etc… I am able to recognize that I better check myself before I wreck myself…
Two of these instances were work-related. The other was related to my writing, sorta.
Was I genuinely mistreated in all three situations? Yeah, actually. There were legitimate reasons for me to feel the way I felt. My boundaries were not respected I was degraded I was lied to. I ran it by some people that have been known to say I was at fault for stuff and no, they totally agreed. But if you know anything about AA, you know you gotta look at your part, too right?
What could possibly be my part?
Did I have reasonable expectations of others when they did not know I had these expectations? Ehhh…
Do I find it objectionable to put my well-being in the hands of people that have already shown me they were unsafe? Um, yeah.
Why should my well-being ever be in the hands of others? Does it feel good to be validated? Yes, totally. But do I lose my value if it turns out someone’s compliments on my writing was actually just a ploy to get into my pants? No, I don’t think I do.
I have learned over the past year to be careful who I give power to. I don’t have the luxury of indulging in anger. For me, it’s the difference between hearing God and not. For me, it’s the difference between staying sober and not.