We all want something beautiful, man I wish I was beautiful.

Random thoughts after reading Eckhart Tolle, quotes of his below:

“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.”

It is true I get stuck in a perfectionist mindset with these stories I want to write and it paralyzes me. Not good. Any progress I’ve been able to make I’ve been able to embrace that it just isn’t going to be good, lol. But at least it’s making progress. This writing process reminds me very much of sculpting. Have you ever used clay? It’s just a blob and sometimes you gotta add some water to make it easier to work with and move it around and it’s heavy and there’s resistance in the clay and meanwhile your hands get all dirty and even when you get the general structure of it down you gotta go back in with a finer tool and carve out the details and meanwhile clay is drying on your hands and getting crusty and after hours of growing a hunchback and your contact lenses drying I a crisp within your eye sockets  it’s time to decide whether to throw the clay blob in the fire or not. Well, writing isn’t like that. I’m not working against time with a substance that is drying on me and making it more difficult to work with as time goes on, as far as I know. Or maybe, idk. Regardless it doesn’t need to be done in one sitting so I need to get over that and sculpt a little bit everyday and know that each time I walk away from it im not about to throw it in the fire and set it in it’s current form permanently. But I think it was Anne Lamont who said something about the first draft like omg, please don’t let me get hit by a bus and die bc I don’t want anyone to see what a shitty first draft I wrote lol. And anyway I already wrote the first draft, I’m just rewriting / resculpting it now, lol. Hmmm… Ok this analogy just died. RIP.

“The past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions.”

Truth. Whatever ‘salvation’ I think future-me will get from future-finished product is an illusion. That expectation is formed from experiences in the past when I’ve written stuff and gotten good feedback from people who were impacted by it, but that was all just a result of doing what I was compelled to do at the present time and that was to write for myself. It isn’t just the completed project that sets my little heart aflame. It is the choosing of the right words and the right scenes, the understanding of myself and the world and epiphanies of the things I learn while I’m writing, the so-close-connection I feel to God when I make stuff, the complete presence in that moment that I really chase, etc. Creating is one of the purest forms of meditation, I just wish mine wasn’t littered with overdose and vomit stories. 

“Instead of asking “what do I want from life?,” a more powerful question is, “what does life want from me?””

Well, I know. And this is a solid part of my whole “why.” So go figure. 

smug bc I bleached my own hair.