By the way, I didn’t forget yesterday was the day your dad left. When the pain on this earth became unbearable — It might have been two lives that day. But it wasn’t. And I’m […]
Author: Vanz
Christian, bipolar, and alcoholic. [RECOVERED 10/08/2017]
Hope you’re into awkward overshares about faith, sobriety, and mental health — bc that’s kinda my thing.
My story is probably a lot like yours, a loved ones, or a hated ones. It's full of alcoholism and addiction. This led me to less desirable parts of communities: jails, rehabs, and mental hospitals. Geez, it even led me to church. #embarrassing
Since getting sober, everything. has. changed. Not just the "outside" stuff, but all the "inside" stuff, too. My life is full and rich, I wake up in gratitude and disbelief. And kinda annoyed.
Because listen, I won't sugar-coat it -- Jesus saved me. That isn't a popular thing to say nowadays, I know. So go figure I was called upon to spread this "great news". Ugghhh.
[You see what He has to put up with? He saved me from a dumpster fire of a life and I'm over here complaining bc all I gotta do is tell people about Him.]
More than anything, I've felt called to reach out to God's creatives: the artists, musicians, and writers who struggle with addiction or mental health issues. Because more than anything, I get it. So, here I am.
"...God is closer to me than my next breath. And that’s all I’ll ever need or want. If you think I’m bullshitting, kiss my ass. MY STORY IS THE AMAZING TRUTH."
-- From Denis Johnson’s short story “The Starlight on Idaho.”
Reckless L🤍ve
Happy Valentine’s Day
Listen to Iron Maiden baby, with me.
Coppola has watched me inhale carbs by the bucket every night for the past week. This is mainly bc I forget to eat during the day and bc I inadvertently avoided carbs for so long. […]
The Crisis of Doubt
Hi 2021. How are you? Scattered, you say? Aw, well… I think most people feel that way these days. I, for one, can relate. My thoughts and my actions and my beliefs are spread out […]
Sundays always come too late.
I’m gonna be 35 in a few days. that’s about it. xo, vanz
Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we’re feeling higher and higher.
I’m starting to write less sloppily here: https://vanessagomezpereyra.medium.com/ OK, so I never did AA really. There was nothing there for me. Just a bunch of old white dudes talking about how bad they wanted to […]
Do you like to hurt? I do, I do. — then hurt me
Spiritual growth is painful, guys. But I think I’m finally coming through the other side. At least for now. There’s more to come. With God, there is always more.
Break through the walls, beat down the doors, crash through the windows + c o v e r t h e e a r t h
The tattoo on my wrist says CREATE. I got it when I was nine months sober. The little flesh and ink promise that the rest of my life would be spent making good on this […]
Hot like the summer and mean like a child
I packed all of my belongings for the weekend in a pink duffle bag. I always had wanted to be one of those sophisticated women with overnight bags to show that she was planning on […]
I said, “I was born At the bottom of a wishing well”.
NOTE: If you haven’t noticed, I’m posting a lot of old words from prior to 2020. When I got sober, I got in the practice of writing everyday. This doesn’t include my handwritten stuff of […]
Now the only thing a gambler needs is a suitcase and a trunk
I don’t know where to begin so I’ll begin here. I called out of work because I feel like a miserable human being. I’m fat. I’m depressed. I’m ugly. I go to work and sit […]
Do you feel ashamed when you hear my name?
I’m not afraid. I’m going to sit here and type out my fearlessness to show you how unafraid I am. I’m not afraid of my mother finding out. I’m not afraid to attach my name […]
My concern isn’t if you love me. My concern is: Can I love you, just as you are?
Today, I remembered. I had been asleep, dreaming that I was awake. But I was only resting until my consciousness stirred. My eyes opened. I took in a deep breath and the view of my […]
Your love is fearless, help me to be courageous, too.
“The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.” – Anne Lamott I won’t claim to be an enlightened individual. Mainly because if you’re reading this, you likely know me and could call me out […]
I’ve been playing dead my whole life.
I saw a dead owl today. It was stiff and on its back. Two legs stuck out of it, the feathered blob. It was on a path behind me as I walked my dogs. The […]
The Biggest Worst “Decision” to get a 3rd DUI
There is no excuse for driving drunk. Let me be clear. For true change to happen, for people to stop being reckless with their own lives at the expense of others, the way we talk […]
It was well-intentioned but bad advice, hell yeah…
If you’ve ever scrolled through social media during the holidays, or like, a worldwide pandemic, you may come across well-meaning friends posting the number for NAMI or Suicide Hotlines.“If just two of my friends will […]
DUI’s + Jail + Insanity
Just realized I hardly ever shared my videos to my blog, which is kinda weird. As I’m revamping the direction of that channel, figured I’d post some of the classics. While I can’t stand watching […]
I was all covered in sound when you asked me to turn it down…
It’s two o clock on a Friday afternoon and my nose is red. It would be red on a Monday morning, too. Or a Wednesday night. But it’s bothering me more now because I wear […]
This might all be gone tomorrow.
As a child, I think my parents did what parents do and tried to protect me from everything that could harm me. God bless them for trying. Sometimes this preoccupation was so grand, that seeing […]
No, I’m not afraid of hard work/And I did everything I want
I just got done telling God I feel like I’m in line, waiting at the DMV trying to get my license reinstated. Not sure how long I’ll be waiting, not sure if I’ll pass the […]
You must have been looking for me.
It starts in the summer. Just as the weather warms up, the sundresses come out of the closet, a new package of hair ties is purchased to hold my ponytail high and only God knows […]
Birds in nature vs. My thoughts
Not really sure the last time I checked out birds. Not in a poetic and meditative state, but just like — birds. Maybe one got caught in my air conditioner (or so I imagine because […]
We do not seem to be getting to the point.
There is a piece I am supposed to be writing about relationships that is due in three days. Just like my relationships, there have been many starts and stops and questions begging to be answered… […]
He took the easy way… What was the easy way?
If she weren’t writing in blood, she’d bring him her jokes, a new liver, and a shovel for the mud. If he were not knee-deep in mud he’d bring her his drugs, he’d get her a typewriter. […]
